Recently, my husband and I were driving over the bridge when I saw what quite possibly may have been the biggest seagull in existence, which brought about the following conversation, and the question – is an eye an eye?
Me: “Holy . . .”
Me: “That.” Pointing. “That’s the biggest seagull I’ve ever seen. I thought it was a pelican at first.”
Husband: “It’s not that . . . wait. Did you say seagull?”
Husband: “There’s no way that was a seagull.”
Me: “Don’t wreck the car over it.” Because now he’s looking in the rearview trying to get another glimpse. “But that was totally a seagull.”
Husband: “That was way too big to be a seagull.”
Me: “But it was. That’s the kind you have to protect your eyes from.”
Husband: “You don’t have to protect your eyes from a bird.”
Me: Looking at him in disbelief. “You’re kidding, right?”
Me: “But you are.”
Husband: “But I’m not.”
Me: “Have you never seen the movie The Birds?”
Husband: “That’s a movie.”
Me: “Doesn’t mean it’s not based on fact.”
Husband: “But it’s not.”
Me: “How can you say that? Have I taught you nothing? Of course, you have to watch your eyes around birds.”
Husband: “Birds don’t eat eyes.”
Me: “What about vultures?”
Husband: “That’s different. Other birds don’t do that sort of thing.”
Me: “Seriously? What about crows?”
Husband: “Crows don’t eat meat.”
Me: “Crows eat meat. Crows totally eat meat. Unless the individual crow is a vegetarian. But crows are carrion feeders.”
Husband: Looks at me and decides not to argue because I know these things.
Me: Smirks because I know these things.
Husband: “But we’re not talking about crows. We’re talking about seagulls. And they don’t eat eyes.”
Me: “They eat fish eyes.”
Husband: “But that’s different.”
Husband: “Because it is.”
Me: “An eye is an eye.”
Husband: “An eye isn’t an eye.”
Me: “I’m pretty sure that it is. By its very definition, an eye is an eye.”
Husband: “There’s too much traffic, I have to concentrate.”
Me: “Fine. But if that thing’s around when we get out of the car, I’m protecting my eyes. One of us has to be able to see to drive home.”
At that point, I almost hoped the world’s largest seagull would follow us to the parking lot so I could see if my husband would protect his eyes or not, but, unfortunately, it didn’t.
AND my husband still claims that worrying about birds going after your eyes is an irrational fear. I shall call his people Team Foolishly Trust The Birds.
My people shall be called Team Hitchcock (it has a better ring to it than Team DuMaurier and to be honest this is one of the instances where the movie was better than the story).
Which team are you?